well I can't set my house on fire every night
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
