i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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