What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
