I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
