I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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