I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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