Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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