i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
