Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
