Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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