Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
