Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The air was thick with penises
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
