my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
sarcasm needs its own font
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
