I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
