I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
