This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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