those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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