my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
