mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
