That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish life had little blips of pornography
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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