can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
