So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
home. puking in laundry basket.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
