he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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