tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
my poor anus
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
