You're a womanizer and a bitch.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
50% drunk capacity currently
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
