I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
