I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
