went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
