i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
