Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
