I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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