i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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