I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
