I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
