eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
