i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
