If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
