Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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