The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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