OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
