My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
