I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
