Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
