i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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