State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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