I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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