I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
