Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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