why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
