when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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